This morning we received
some terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news (for us, anyways) - the birth
mom we were matched with delivered her baby boy almost a month early and decided to parent. So, our match has fallen through and we're back at step one. This has
been hard news to swallow for Jenny and I. Lucky for you, I process hard
news by talking, while Jenny processes more internally. After 10 years, I
think I've finally learned how to give Jenny space, at least for a few minutes.
So, you're stuck with me.
When bad news hit so
suddenly as it did this morning (I was sleeping), I found myself in a state of shock. Unsure
what to do or say, I tried to distract myself by staying busy. But as I was
left alone with my thoughts, clarity and our new reality set in. We were
just a few weeks away from having a baby in our arms and now we're back on the
waiting list.
As I informed family,
friends and colleagues, articulating our new normal to those closest to us, the
burden of this unexpected loss grew heavier.
This is a loss I didn't
expect to have to grieve today. I knew there was a risk, but I had convinced
myself it wouldn't happen to us. I was so confident that this was our baby boy and the process was going to be as "rainbows and unicorns" as any
adoption process could be. You'd think I would've learned by now...rookie
mistake.
So, here's my heart today -
I am grieved for Jenny, Bailey and I. We long for our baby boy or girl, we
long for Bailey to have a baby brother or sister. My heart aches that we had
gotten so close and now have to start over. I pray that God will bless and
provide for this little boy. We trust His perfect will, and trust that
this baby was meant to remain with his birth mom. I trust that God has
prepared us for the baby boy or girl He has for us, and it's just a matter of
time.
I have been overwhelmed by
the encouraging words and prayers of our friends and family. Jenny posted a
prayer request on Facebook 11 hours ago. In those 11 hours, we've
received over 125 of the kindest comments offering prayers, thoughts,
encouraging words, tears, and love. In a week when our feeds are packed with
posts about how much of a cotton-headed ninny muggins Trump is (he is, obviously), debates
about guns, violence, ISIS, politics, how awesome the new Star Wars movie is going to be, and so on, the response to our request
for prayer and support has reinforced my belief in the power of social media
for GOOD. Every 5 minutes or so, we
were blessed with another encouraging word! It's like a viral prayer chain and
it helped us throughout the day. To those that commented or just commented in your
hearts, thank you. Thank you for carrying us through today. Please remember us
tomorrow, because we'll need it. We love you and are so blessed to be on
this journey with you.
In good times and bad, we
must cling to God's promises. It sure is easier to go there when my heart is in
turmoil. Today, through prayer and through the encouragement of others, I'm
reminded that:
- When I delight myself in the Lord,
He gives me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4)
- He knows the plans He has for me -
plans to prosper and not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. He
has a better plan for my family than I could ever conjure up. What a
beautiful truth. (Jeremiah 29:11)
- The Lord is the everlasting
God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or
grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power
to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength...but they
who wait for the Lord shall
renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like
eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not
faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31)
- I should not be
anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with
thanksgiving let our requests be made known to God. And the peace of God,
which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and our minds in
Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)
As I get concerned about
timing, frustrated that we have to start over and that this suddenly isn't
going according to my plan, I remember Abraham and Sarah and God's promise to
them in their 90's - Is anything too
hard for the Lord? At
the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah
shall have a son. Hannah,
Elizabeth, Zecharias, and on and on. God's timing may be vastly different
than mine, but His is perfect. I choose perfect, even if it hurts right now.
As we near Christmas, I
can't help but think about Mary and Joseph. I'm going to go out on a limb and
say that this wasn't how Joseph expected to begin his life with Mary. Probably
not the order of operations he had imagined! Turned out pretty well for him.
So we grieve, we heal, and
we wait upon the Lord. We pray for the baby He has for us and pray that we are
united soon.
