Change of plans

This morning we received some terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news (for us, anyways) - the birth mom we were matched with delivered her baby boy almost a month early and decided to parent. So, our match has fallen through and we're back at step one. This has been hard news to swallow for Jenny and I. Lucky for you, I process hard news by talking, while Jenny processes more internally. After 10 years, I think I've finally learned how to give Jenny space, at least for a few minutes. So, you're stuck with me. 

When bad news hit so suddenly as it did this morning (I was sleeping), I found myself in a state of shock. Unsure what to do or say, I tried to distract myself by staying busy. But as I was left alone with my thoughts, clarity and our new reality set in. We were just a few weeks away from having a baby in our arms and now we're back on the waiting list.

As I informed family, friends and colleagues, articulating our new normal to those closest to us, the burden of this unexpected loss grew heavier. 

This is a loss I didn't expect to have to grieve today. I knew there was a risk, but I had convinced myself it wouldn't happen to us. I was so confident that this was our baby boy and the process was going to be as "rainbows and unicorns" as any adoption process could be. You'd think I would've learned by now...rookie mistake. 

So, here's my heart today - I am grieved for Jenny, Bailey and I. We long for our baby boy or girl, we long for Bailey to have a baby brother or sister. My heart aches that we had gotten so close and now have to start over. I pray that God will bless and provide for this little boy. We trust His perfect will, and trust that this baby was meant to remain with his birth mom. I trust that God has prepared us for the baby boy or girl He has for us, and it's just a matter of time.  

I have been overwhelmed by the encouraging words and prayers of our friends and family. Jenny posted a prayer request on Facebook 11 hours ago. In those 11 hours, we've received over 125 of the kindest comments offering prayers, thoughts, encouraging words, tears, and love. In a week when our feeds are packed with posts about how much of a cotton-headed ninny muggins Trump is (he is, obviously), debates about guns, violence, ISIS, politics, how awesome the new Star Wars movie is going to be, and so on, the response to our request for prayer and support has reinforced my belief in the power of social media for GOOD. Every 5 minutes or so, we were blessed with another encouraging word! It's like a viral prayer chain and it helped us throughout the day. To those that commented or just commented in your hearts, thank you. Thank you for carrying us through today. Please remember us tomorrow, because we'll need it. We love you and are so blessed to be on this journey with you.  

In good times and bad, we must cling to God's promises. It sure is easier to go there when my heart is in turmoil. Today, through prayer and through the encouragement of others, I'm reminded that:

• When I delight myself in the Lord, He gives me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4)

• He knows the plans He has for me - plans to prosper and not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. He has a better plan for my family than I could ever conjure up. What a beautiful truth. (Jeremiah 29:11) 

• The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength...but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31)

• I should not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let our requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

As I get concerned about timing, frustrated that we have to start over and that this suddenly isn't going according to my plan, I remember Abraham and Sarah and God's promise to them in their 90's - Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son. Hannah, Elizabeth, Zecharias, and on and on. God's timing may be vastly different than mine, but His is perfect. I choose perfect, even if it hurts right now.  

As we near Christmas, I can't help but think about Mary and Joseph. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this wasn't how Joseph expected to begin his life with Mary. Probably not the order of operations he had imagined! Turned out pretty well for him.  

So we grieve, we heal, and we wait upon the Lord. We pray for the baby He has for us and pray that we are united soon.